The Argument Game Works Well with Children (Valued Within Exercise)

Dear colleague,

At a workshop I was leading in Texas a few months ago, a colleague asked me in the lunch line if I ever use the Five Key Beliefs methodology from The Will to Learn with my own children at home. The answer is yes, I do approach parenting with this lens, quite often.

One simple way that I do it is with a little dinnertime activity I came up with one day during dinner time. We call it the Argument Game. It is very simple and fun for all ages.

• Step 1: Mom or Dad come up with a statement that the children are going to need to argue against. Sample statements we've used are:
  • Chores should be option for children, not mandatory.
  • Children should be given anything they want.
  • Children should not be expected to do their best in school.
  • Children should be given unlimited access to screens and technology.
  • (I am laughing out loud as I write these. I promise, these are real prompts we've used. And yes, our children very quickly understand what we're doing.)
• Step 2: From youngest to oldest, the children argue against the statement that mom or dad has made.
  • The youngest to oldest thing is important because you want the older children to have to push harder to come up with novel arguments and you want the younger children to have a more open field within which to argue. Each child is naturally trying to argue better than the child that went before, and the youngest-to-oldest progression makes this possible without making the younger children feel like they've failed for giving a less sophisticated argument.

That's really it.

We don't overuse it, so it hasn't gotten old yet. But each time we do, it gets our four children:

• thinking for themselves about why we have the expectations and rules in place that they sometimes don't like or value (so it's a Valued Within exercise; see pp. 157-167 of The Will to Learn for more on that idea);
• practicing the kind of earnest and amicable argument (see pp. 105-106 in These 6 Things for more on that idea) that makes for a flourishing life;
• connecting as a family around the culture we share and the values we hold, cultivating these values as we connect.

So, whether you've got kids at home, or nieces/nephews, or even articulate pets, feel free to give it a try.

Teaching right beside you (and trying to parent at the same time!),

DSJR

PS It works well on car rides, too.