Dear colleague,
- “I feel like school is pointless.”
- “I feel like my colleagues don't respect me.”
- “I feel like you're not listening to me.”
I feel like we say “I feel like” a lot. I remember a wise mentor who was coaching me to clearer thinking in my twenties giving the following counsel:
“From now on, I want you to use the word feel in an accurate way. If you have a feeling, such as anger or sadness or fear, express it. But if you have a thought or assumption, don't preface it with ‘I feel like.'”
It was good (but hard!) advice — and I had to chuckle when, years later, I came across a 2016 article in The New York Times titled, “Stop Saying ‘I Feel Like.'” Apparently the problem wasn't just me!
When we say “I feel like” in the manner described above, we're sowing seeds of confusion in at least three ways:
- First, saying “I feel like” tends to guide us toward not exploring the thought further; it creates this illusion inside ourselves that we've communicated something important and clear, when, in fact, we've not.
- Second, saying “I feel like” in a conversation or argument with someone else basically shuts the conversation down; if you disagree with me after I say that, you're dismissing my feelings and my experience.
- Third, we're mixing up two important but distinct parts of our souls: intellect and emotions. Both are important for life and communication, but both do different things. Communicating a thought, assumption, or belief as a feeling isn't aligned with how souls work (see Chapter 1 of The Will to Learn for more on that).
It's better, then, to do things like this:
- Switch out “I feel like” for something more accurate.
- If you're sensing something, say so, and ask for clarity: “I'm sensing you're not listening to me. Is that true?”
- If you have an opinion, say so: “I think this policy is not going to work. Here are my reasons.”
- If you're scared or angry or sad, just say that. Communicating our emotions often lays the groundwork for relational breakthroughs.
To be a good teacher, you've got to be a good thinker. But a lot of times, the way we talk shapes the way we think, and vice versa. I hope this article acted like more than a pet-peeve rant and helped you out a bit in your work as a teacher and person.
Teaching right beside you,
DSJR
P.S. I'm hosting a live session for school leaders on April 20 called “The Will to Teach.” It's about the Five Key Beliefs applied to teachers — and what leaders can do when the will to teach starts to erode. $29 for individuals, and $99 for a team. [Details and registration here.]
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