Dear colleague,
Recently, I've appreciated learning about the differences between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication styles in Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Today I just want to share with you descriptions of each style of communication and let you reflect on what shows up most in your teaching.
What does a passive communication style look and sound like?
- Using lots of disclaimers (“I'm no expert;” “I'd have to check”)
- Giving in to the requests of others
- Having a hard time making requests
- Tending to ramble
- Tending to be vague
- Using filler phrases like “I mean” and “you know”
- Tending to have a slouched posture
- Tending to avoid eye contact
- Great line from the book Messages: “Because you are often not saying what you mean, you don't look like you mean what you say.”
What does an aggressive communication style look and sound like?
- No problem stating how you feel or what you think, but you tend to state these things at the expense of the feelings and thoughts of others
- Tending to humiliate others without knowing it through things like sarcasm and humor
- Sentences often begin with “you” followed by an attack or a negative label
- Tending to use absolute terms (always, never) and describe things in a way that implies your superiority
- Tending to stare
- Another great line from the book Messages: “You are so intent on being right that you don't really hear what others are saying, even when you ask them a direct question.”
What does an assertive communication style look and sound like?
- Making direct statements regarding your feelings, thoughts, and wishes
- Standing up for your rights while also considering rights and feelings of others
- Listening attentively and showing people you hear them
- Being open to compromise and negotiation
- Can make direct requests and refusals
- Can give and receive compliments
- Conveying an air of assured strength and empathy
- Voice is relaxed yet firm
- Posture is balanced
What shows up most in you?
If you're like me, you'll notice that all three styles pop up in you throughout a given school day. Us human beings are complicated! But you'll likely find that one style tends to predominate, and this is something worth reflecting on. The goal is the assertive style, which closely aligns with a warm and authoritative teacher presence. (For more on how to get better at that, see this article.)
Teaching right beside you,
DSJR
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