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BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns Paperback – September 16, 2014

by Bill Eddy (Author)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 727 ratings
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BIFF IS A GAME CHANGER FOR COMMUNICATING WITH PEOPLE WITH HIGH CONFLICT PERSONALITIES

We live in an age of rapid change and instant communication. We also live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect, creating a need to manage our responses to high conflict people (HCPs). A BIFF Response® can be applied in any communication anywhere: in an email, a text message, on social media, or in a letter. It can be used at work, earning you respect and success. It can help you get along with difficult family members, friends, neighbors, and others anywhere in your life.

BIFF was designed to protect you and your reputation by responding quickly and civilly to people who treat you rudely while being reasonable in return. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. A BIFF response is easy to remember, but hard to do. It takes practice! This first book in the Conflict Communication Series is for anyone dealing with high conflict written communications. Complete with instructions in the four-step BIFF method, and numerous practical examples, readers will learn the intricacies of stopping the back-and-forth messages and ultimately contain the conflict. (If you need to use BIFF with a co-parent, BIFF for CoParent Communication is just for you! And BIFF at Work is perfect for workplace communication.)

This Second Edition includes a new chapter on Coaching for BIFF Responses. Anyone can use this coaching method to help someone else with a BIFF communication by asking 10 simple questions to make it even more effective.

Then learn the EAR Statement™ technique in Calming Upset People with EAR for communicating in person (verbally) in high-conflict situations or with any upset person. An EAR Statement can calm an angry or upset person in seconds!

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  1. Print length
    176 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Unhooked Books
  4. Publication date
    September 16, 2014
  5. Dimensions
    5.75 x 0.5 x 8.5 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1936268728
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1936268726
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review


"I used Bill Eddy to deal with a very difficult personnel situation. I implemented his advice. Instead of pursuing endless, frustrating conflict and confrontation, I adopted an entirely different approach, with excellent results. Bill gave me a pathway when I thought all roads were blocked."
— Dan Solin, author of the Smartest series of books


"I used Bill Eddy to deal with a very difficult personnel situation. I implemented his advice. Instead of pursuing endless, frustrating conflict and confrontation, I adopted an entirely different approach, with excellent results. Bill gave me a pathway when I thought all roads were blocked."
― Dan Solin, author of the Smartest series of books

From the Inside Flap

We live in an age of rapid change and instant communication. We also live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect…

A BIFF Response can be applied in any communication anywhere – online, social media, in a letter or even in person. It can be used at work, earning you respect and success. It can help you get along with difficult family members, friends, neighbors and others anywhere in your life.

BIFF was designed to protect you and your reputation by responding quickly and civilly to people who treat you rudely, while being reasonable in return.

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.A BIFF response is easy to remember, but hard to do. It takes practice! This little book gives over 20 examples of BIFF responses for all areas of life—plus additional tips to help you deal with high-conflict people anywhere.
See if you can do a BIFF! Not everyone can!

Author bio:
Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the President of the High Conflict Institute. He developed the “High Conflict Personality&; theory and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high-conflict personalities. Eddy is the author of several books, including It&;s All Your Fault at Work! and High Conflict People in Legal Disputes.

Testimonial:
"I used Bill to deal with a very difficult personnel situation. I implemented his advice. Instead of pursuing endless, frustrating conflict and confrontation, I adopted an entirely different approach, with excellent results. Bill gave me a pathway when I thought all roads were blocked."
Dan Solin, Author of the Smartest series of books.


Second edition info: This Second Edition includes a new chapter on Coaching for BIFF Responses. Anyone can use this method to help someone else with a BIFF response – by asking 10 simples questions to make it even more effective.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Unhooked Books; Second edition (September 16, 2014)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 176 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1936268728
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1936268726
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.75 x 0.5 x 8.5 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 727 ratings

About the author

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Bill Eddy

Bill Eddy

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Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist with twelve years’ experience.

He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law inCalifornia and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries.

He is the author or co-author of twenty books and has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 4.0 million views.

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
727 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book informative and helpful for dealing with workplace abuse. They describe it as a concise, easy-to-understand guide that gets to the point quickly. The book is described as a quick, friendly read that covers various scenarios. However, some readers feel the content is repetitive.

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Information qualityEase of readingReadabilityPacingRecompetition
58 customers mention "Information quality"58 positive0 negative

Customers find the book informative and helpful. It provides practical tips for dealing with people at work, including establishing professional boundaries, guarding oneself, and communicating effectively. They say it helps them look at difficult conversations and is a powerful tool for dealing with narcissists, personality disorders, and high-functioning autism.

"...This particular edition (with a red cover), titled "QUICK RESPONSES TO HIGH CONFLICT PEOPLE: THEIR PERSONAL ATTACKS, HOSTILE EMAIL AND SOCIAL MEDIA..." Read more

"...people behave the way they do but just gives you the practical tips for dealing with them. I have already ordered some of the author's other books." Read more

"This book provides strategies for dealing with hostile co-workers or anyone you may encounter...." Read more

"I bought this book for help in dealing with my ex, and it really was helpful...." Read more

26 customers mention "Ease of reading"24 positive2 negative

Customers find the book easy to understand, with helpful examples and a concise format. They find the concepts simple to practice and boost self-esteem. The book provides great scripts to use to converse without getting into conflict.

"The BIFF series of books were written specifically to help you manage your interactions with those who you often find it difficult...." Read more

"...Easy to read and straight to the point." Read more

"...It would have helped immensely. Not only that - but the books is easy to read, the skills are easy to put into practice, and so brief, informative,..." Read more

"...This book identifies types of abuse and of abusers and offers suggestions for handling each." Read more

8 customers mention "Readability"8 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the book's readability. They find it a quick, concise read that gets to the point quickly. The book provides practical suggestions and is timely.

"Great guidance in how to focus on the issues and keep a response brief...." Read more

"...I highly recommend this read. It's short, easy to read, and to the point if you have an immediate "issue person" you have to deal with...." Read more

"...It was very timely for me and I am 100% happy that I had it when I needed it. The ideas and “how to’s” presented were spot on and worked." Read more

"This was a pretty short read that got to the point quickly...." Read more

4 customers mention "Pacing"4 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the book's pacing. They find it brief, informative, and friendly.

"...Just keeping all communication brief, informative, friendly and firm. Miraculously, her demands and accusations have stopped. Highly recommended!" Read more

"...the skills are easy to put into practice, and so brief, informative, friendly, and firm that all of us can quickly understand and get on board." Read more

"...The BIFF acronym (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm)..." Read more

"...of what not to do and what to do to produce "brief, informative, friendly, firm" responses and requests." Read more

3 customers mention "Recompetition"0 positive3 negative

Customers find the book repetitive.

"...The book is a little repetitive, but drives the points home. I use this advice regularly." Read more

"I liked the method and will put it in practice. Found it a bit repetitive and long, but all are good examples." Read more

"Its a repetitive book just a bunch of examples and the same answer boring wast of money just watch a lecture on youtube about it dont wast ur money" Read more

Top reviews from the United States

  • Steven Attridge
    5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing methods for dealing with difficult individuals
    Reviewed in the United States on November 19, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    The BIFF series of books were written specifically to help you manage your interactions with those who you often find it difficult. The author calls such individuals "High Conflict People" (or HCPs). As a therapist I work with HCPs often, so I am quite familiar with HCPs. I hadn't read such a concise and practical set of methods that the reader can employ to make interactions with HCPs tolerable and minimizes damages caused to either party.

    This particular edition (with a red cover), titled "QUICK RESPONSES TO HIGH CONFLICT PEOPLE: THEIR PERSONAL ATTACKS, HOSTILE EMAIL AND SOCIAL MEDIA MELTDOWNS". This book deals with how to cope with HCPs' attacks via electronic devices - a unique medium that allows one to formulate a well-thought out, measured and appropriate response. As compared to in-person confrontation, where it can be easy to forget all sense of logic or reason, responding out of pure emotion often leads to hurt feelings and misunderstandings, with no change in the conflicted situation that began the whole thing.

    This is the book for you if you're battling with someone who pushes, prods or provokes you with every interaction, disrupting your sense of peace and contentedness. Don't let them do that any longer, take control, buy this $10 book and learn to handle such individuals as the appropriate adult that you are!
    8 people found this helpful
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  • Helena R.
    5.0 out of 5 stars Necessary Read
    Reviewed in the United States on August 19, 2024
    Verified Purchase
    I work in customer service, and even though this book mainly focuses on written communication I can definitely apply some of these techniques to customer interactions. It also can work with coworkers, neighbors, and family members. Eddy doesn't waste a lot of time explaining why people behave the way they do but just gives you the practical tips for dealing with them. I have already ordered some of the author's other books.
    2 people found this helpful
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  • Highlander97
    5.0 out of 5 stars Actionable advice for any profession
    Reviewed in the United States on July 21, 2024
    Verified Purchase
    This book provides strategies for dealing with hostile co-workers or anyone you may encounter. Bill Eddy shows you how to take the high road and maintain your professional reputation. Easy to read and straight to the point.
    3 people found this helpful
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  • hambone
    4.0 out of 5 stars Short but good
    Reviewed in the United States on July 24, 2016
    Verified Purchase
    I bought this book for help in dealing with my ex, and it really was helpful. About half of the book was advice for specific situations that don't apply to me, but I liked that it was so far reaching even though I didn't need all of the targeted advice. It's pretty short - I thought the content was five star, but thought it was a bit over priced for the length. The advice in this book really helped me to take my emotional reactivity out of my communication with my ex, and my husband and I always read over my emails now with "BIFF" in mind before we hit send. Now if only I could get my ex to read it....
    9 people found this helpful
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  • ALLEN C NAYLOR
    5.0 out of 5 stars Judge assigned homework
    Reviewed in the United States on April 27, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    After years of dealing with a high conflict ex spouse, and less than a year into mediating we use a Special Master (judge) for disagreements on how our divorce decree and the code is interpreted, he assigned us a book report due on this book through an order of the court. I was so relieved that he could see who was the cause of the turmoil that I ordered the book the same day he filed the order, read it, and had a book report in his inbox in under a week. I knew I was dealing with a high conflict individual and this book has been a game changer. I don’t have to defend myself from any of their false accusations. Just keeping all communication brief, informative, friendly and firm. Miraculously, her demands and accusations have stopped. Highly recommended!
    16 people found this helpful
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  • DebO
    5.0 out of 5 stars Brief, Informative, Friendly & Firm
    Reviewed in the United States on July 22, 2017
    Verified Purchase
    I am a mediator and was about to mediate a case in which one party had been diagnosed a high-conflict personality. Not knowing what that meant or how to work such a label, I picked up this book for help. And that's what I found - help. It prepared me to work that person in a respectful way and model setting boundaries for the others in the dispute. Not only that, but I learned in hindsight what managed to ruin another important relationship in my life and gave me some ideas about how I could have responded in a better way. I've recommended this book to several friends and colleagues to help them in their relationships. The author, Bill Eddy, has other books out, too. I learned too late to recommend this to a friend who went through a disastrous divorce with a narcissist. It would have helped immensely. Not only that - but the books is easy to read, the skills are easy to put into practice, and so brief, informative, friendly, and firm that all of us can quickly understand and get on board.
    32 people found this helpful
    Helpful
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  • REM
    5.0 out of 5 stars Survive your job and even improve your position!
    Reviewed in the United States on December 5, 2022
    Verified Purchase
    I was able to stay in my last job until I reached retirement age thanks to what I learned in this book! I highly recommend this book for any employee, but especially women. We are taught to doubt ourselves. This book counters that teaching with facts and examples.
    Workplace abuse comes in many forms. Some of it can be very subtle; even taking the form of "gaslighting." This book identifies types of abuse and of abusers and offers suggestions for handling each.
    14 people found this helpful
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  • Amazon Customer
    3.0 out of 5 stars Good to learn how to minimize comms, inapplicable when dealing with manipulative people
    Reviewed in the United States on January 27, 2018
    Verified Purchase
    Great guidance in how to focus on the issues and keep a response brief.

    What lacked was guidance in dealing with narcs and people who are abusers/manipulators.

    Manipulative people do not respond to logic.

    It also assumes everyone wants the best outcome, which is incorrect. An example was husband/wife having issues with kids visitation and homework. Wife's response Elena's emotional and blaming: yet the essence of her response was missed: it was clear when the husband had the kids he didn't get their HW done. Author responded that husband should outline a BIFF plan to get HW done.

    When divorcing a manipulative person, they will not offer plans to do what they're supposed to do. The wife in this scenario may be correct: ex doesn't get the HW done. Ex would never propose a solution.

    So my thought is there is a need for a BIFF book specifically geared to those who are dealing with manipulative people.
    107 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

  • Rick Zasada
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book
    Reviewed in Canada on October 10, 2022
    Verified Purchase
    Good book to read
    Report
  • kidderliverpool
    5.0 out of 5 stars Really works and easy to remember
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 30, 2021
    Verified Purchase
    This books really works and is simple to use. Read a fair number of psychology books in the past on trying to deal with difficult people. They go into a lot of theory and research, which in the face of it is useful. But in reality, the information tends to leave your brain the minute you're in a stressful situation and having to deal with these 'lovely' people.

    BIFF is different in that you can remember the acronym easily, and more importantly, it teaches you not to get dragged into long, drawn out arguments and time drains that high conflict people inevitably drag you into.

    I also recommend it as it strikes a good balance of staying polite and not stooping to their level, but also standing up for yourself and having boundaries. I feel like books I've read in the past either go to far with being vindictive and mean back to awful people (which is a big tempatation - but only further entangles you in their warped way of thinking) or being too forgiving and being a bit of a walk over.

    I'm glad I bought this book and feel more able to deal with high conflict people.
    Report
  • AM
    5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant Insightful Practical Book for Today's Times
    Reviewed in India on September 22, 2018
    Verified Purchase
    This book has PHENOMENAL insights and pointers to effective handling of difficult human communications and relations.

    The content of a hostile email/note is more an expression of the personality of the sender, than a genuine reflection of any reality about you. Realising this itself is a huge destressor. Once you learn not to take it personally, you are faced with the task of dealing with the email/note/behaviour. Do you reply, if so how? This book gives us great tips on if and how that are based on a solid understanding of the psyche of difficult people. It gives wise strategies that are compassionate, gentle, humane, understanding and very effective.

    This book changes your mental state from feeling like a helpless and angry victim (complaining, asking other people to help) to feeling wiser and stronger to deal with the situation effectively.

    In this way it helps to change your life in one of the very best ways possible.

    The book itself is BIFF - Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. It's written in a conversational style that is very easy to read, and succinct.

    A MUST-READ for all who want to uphold dignity and peace in the face of provocation.
    One person found this helpful
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  • Lenore Davi
    5.0 out of 5 stars Life changing
    Reviewed in Australia on March 5, 2022
    Verified Purchase
    Very clear process for dealing with high conflict people. Wish l had learned these skills years ago. Life changing.
    Report
  • DrRowland
    5.0 out of 5 stars an eye opener
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 19, 2022
    Verified Purchase
    This book will help change your life. You will spot High conflict people and help yourself reacting to them. It’s essential for anyone dealing with the public.
    Report