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The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed Paperback – August 23, 2016
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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
“Gripping…how can teachers snatch back their critical role and give children the necessary space to fail? They could start by making parents read Lahey.” — New York Times Book Review
In the tradition of Paul Tough’s How Children Succeed and Wendy Mogel’s The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, this groundbreaking manifesto focuses on the critical school years when parents must learn to allow their children to experience the disappointment and frustration that occur from life’s inevitable problems so that they can grow up to be successful, resilient, and self-reliant adults.
Modern parenting is defined by an unprecedented level of overprotectiveness: parents who rush to school at the whim of a phone call to deliver forgotten assignments, who challenge teachers on report card disappointments, mastermind children’s friendships, and interfere on the playing field. As teacher and writer Jessica Lahey explains, even though these parents see themselves as being highly responsive to their children’s well being, they aren’t giving them the chance to experience failure—or the opportunity to learn to solve their own problems.
Overparenting has the potential to ruin a child’s confidence and undermine their education, Lahey reminds us. Teachers don’t just teach reading, writing, and arithmetic. They teach responsibility, organization, manners, restraint, and foresight—important life skills children carry with them long after they leave the classroom.
Providing a path toward solutions, Lahey lays out a blueprint with targeted advice for handling homework, report cards, social dynamics, and sports. Most importantly, she sets forth a plan to help parents learn to step back and embrace their children’s failures. Hard-hitting yet warm and wise, The Gift of Failure is essential reading for parents, educators, and psychologists nationwide who want to help children succeed.
- Print length304 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherHarper
- Publication dateAugust 23, 2016
- Dimensions0.68 x 5.31 x 8 inches
- ISBN-100062299255
- ISBN-13978-0062299253
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“Gripping…how can teachers snatch back their critical role and give children the necessary space to fail? They could start by making parents read Lahey.” — New York Times Book Review
“Instead of lecturing us about what we’re doing wrong, Jessica Lahey reveals what she did wrong with her own children and students—and how she systematically reformed her ways. A refreshing, practical book for parents who want to raise resilient kids but aren’t sure how to start.” — Amanda Ripley, author of The Smartest Kids in the World
“This fascinating, thought-provoking book shows that to help children succeed, we must allow them to fail. Essential reading for parents, teachers, coaches, psychologists, and anyone else who wants to guide children towards lives of independence, creativity, and courage.” — Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project
“It’s hard to overstate the importance of this book. The Gift of Failure is beautifully written; it’s deeply researched; but most of all it’s the one book we all need to read if we want to instill the next generation with confidence and joy.” — Susan Cain, author of Quiet
“Lahey offers one of the most important parenting messages of our times: Unless we allow our children to learn how to take on challenges, they won’t thrive in school and in life. Her extremely helpful book tells her story, compiles research, and provides hundreds of doable suggestions.” — Ellen Galinsky, author of Mind in the Making
“How can we help our children grow to be resourceful, happy adults? Lahey shows in practical terms how to know what your child is ready for and how to offer support even as you encourage autonomy. A wise, engaging book, steeped in scientific research and tempered with common sense.” — Daniel T. Willingham, PhD, author of Why Don't Students Like School?
“Through an artful combination of anecdote and research, Lahey delivers a lesson that moms and dads badly need to learn: that failure is vital to children’s success. Any parent who pines for a saner, more informed approach to child-rearing should read this book.” — Jennifer Senior, author of All Joy and No Fun
“Lahey has many wise and helpful words...ones that any parent can and should embrace.” — Publishers Weekly
From the Back Cover
Modern parenting is defined by an unprecedented level of overprotectiveness: parents now rush to school to deliver forgotten assignments, challenge teachers on report card disappointments, mastermind children’s friendships, and interfere on the playing field. As teacher, journalist, and parent Jessica Lahey explains, even though these parents see themselves as being highly responsive to their children’s well-being, they aren’t giving them the chance to experience failure—or the opportunity to learn to solve their own problems.
Everywhere she turned, Lahey saw an obvious and startling fear of failure—in both her students and her own children. This fear has the potential to undermine children’s autonomy, competence, motivation, and their relationships with the adults in their lives. Providing a clear path toward solutions, Lahey lays out a blueprint with targeted advice for handling homework, report cards, social dynamics, and sports. Most important, she sets forth a plan to help parents learn to step back and embrace their children’s setbacks along with their success.About the Author
Jessica Lahey writes about education, parenting, and child welfare for The Washington Post, the New York Times, and The Atlantic and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. She is a member of the Amazon Studios Thought Leader Board and wrote the curriculum for Amazon Kids’ The Stinky and Dirty Show. She lives in Vermont with her husband and two sons.
Product details
- Publisher : Harper
- Publication date : August 23, 2016
- Edition : First Edition
- Language : English
- Print length : 304 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0062299255
- ISBN-13 : 978-0062299253
- Item Weight : 10.4 ounces
- Dimensions : 0.68 x 5.31 x 8 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #32,358 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #28 in Parenting & Family Reference
- #37 in Medical Child Psychology
- #67 in Popular Child Psychology
- Customer Reviews:
About the author

Jessica Lahey is a teacher, writer, and mom. She writes about education, parenting, and child welfare for The Atlantic, Vermont Public Radio, and the New York Times and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. She co-hosts the popular #AmWriting podcast with authors KJ Dell'Antonia and Sarina Bowen. She is a member of the Amazon Studios Thought Leader Board and wrote the educational curriculum for Amazon Kids’ Emmy-nominated "The Stinky and Dirty Show." Jessica earned a B.A. in Comparative Literature from the University of Massachusetts and a J.D. with a concentration in juvenile and education law from the University of North Carolina School of Law. She lives in Vermont with her husband, two sons, three dogs, and two cats.
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Customers find this book to be a wonderful resource for parents and teachers, with insightful content that provides practical guidance. Moreover, the book effectively explains the necessity of failure and is easy to read. They appreciate the author's writing style, with one customer noting it's based in deep experience, and consider it a true gift for parents.
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Customers find the book to be a wonderful resource for both parents and teachers, providing great advice and insights.
"...Lahey proposes that parents and teachers work as partners, and she offers suggestions for how parents can open up dialog with their kids' teachers...." Read more
"...is filled in generous measure, packed down and flowing over, with insights and advice of value to any parent of school-aged children, from any..." Read more
"...midst of parenting, sometimes nothing makes sense, so a resource like this book is great." Read more
"...Jessica Lahey not only provides one of the most concise and thorough histories of parenting, but goes on to identify ways in which we - as a parents..." Read more
Customers find the book insightful, with one mentioning it provides a fresh perspective on parenting and another noting it serves as a great reminder to tone down control-freak tendencies.
"...Even if you don't have kids (like me), it's an interesting topic to ponder on, though certain chapters can be tough to make it through if you don't..." Read more
"...totally changed what I do, but it has been a great reminder to tone down the control freak nature...." Read more
"...Many practical subjects covered in this book, including how to help your child get himself organised, skills (for both parents and kids) dealing..." Read more
"...handle more situations but the book was extremely helpful and insightful regardless...." Read more
Customers appreciate the pacing of the book, with several noting that it effectively explains why failure is necessary for success.
"...This is a great book to give reasons why failure is good and how to let go (to varying degrees)...." Read more
"...I love the strategies and interventions that are well-researched and effective. Everyone can learn from this book. Get it ASAP!" Read more
"...to teach kids to rebound, so they can gain the confidence and grit to survive failures...." Read more
"...It came through outstandingly...." Read more
Customers find the book easy to read and well written.
"...The book is well written and valuable for those of us well-intentioned parents who believe that we are helping when we hover, rescue, over-do,..." Read more
"...It was well-written and a quick read. I could have wished, though, that she went into more detail about putting her system into place...." Read more
"...Her writing style is also incredibly easy to read, entertaining, and witty, allowing you to move through the book very quickly...." Read more
"Helped me raise my girls better. Very clear and to the point." Read more
Customers appreciate the author's writing style, with one customer noting it is based in deep experience and another mentioning the inclusion of great personal excerpts.
"...this and as the Principal of a Middle School, I found much truth in what she has written...." Read more
"The Gift of Failure is a gift for all teachers and parents, based in deep experience, careful research, and uncommonly good sense...." Read more
"...The author presents the books and researches that assure me to avoid over protection for child." Read more
"Great information. Great personal excerpts. Good mix of theory and practice." Read more
Customers find the book to be a true gift for parents.
"The Gift of Failure is a gift for all teachers and parents, based in deep experience, careful research, and uncommonly good sense...." Read more
"This book is fantastic! Jessica Lahey has provided a gift to all parents and teachers...." Read more
"A true gift for parents...teachers will appreciate it!" Read more
"Must-read book for parents of all ages - and grandparents!..." Read more
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- Reviewed in the United States on September 29, 2015Format: KindleVerified PurchaseThis book had a profound effect on my thinking about how to be a parent. I don't think of myself as the type who hovers, but I'm starting to understand that I hover more than I realize. It's not that the author is advocating for hands-off parenting. Instead, she points out a lot of the ways in which parents take the reins and deny their kids all sense of control, and how detrimental that can be. We want our kids to grow up to be responsible and capable adults, but how can they do that when we take away their sense of autonomy? This book made me realize it's more important for me to teach my kids life skills like how to manage their time than it is for me to be managing every detail. My doing so comes from good intentions and a desire to see them succeed, but at the same time it conveys subtle messages to them I don't want conveyed.
I read a lot of psychology and social science books because the research just plain fascinates me. While this book offers a lot of anecdotes, it's also infused with an excellent grasp of research. Lahey's background in education shines through, and her suggestions are grounded in the same evidence-based research that I've read. If kids seem different today, it's because they are, and it's not just technology that's driving this change, it's the way parents treat their children and how they view them. We want them to be successful, but in our test-driven, high achieving culture, we are sometimes guilty of emphasizing the wrong things. After reading a great deal about helpless college students, children suffering from stress-related ills, and the mental health problems plaguing universities, this book helped me form an idea as to why this may be: rather than teaching our children to work for the things they want, we're setting them on a prescribed path and sending them the message that they're only okay as long as they follow that prescribed path. Reading this book makes the mystifying question of why children don't want to take risks quite clear: because we've taught them that there's nothing worse than failure.
Yet this book doesn't just discuss research, it also offers a lot of practical solutions for parents. Fair warning, though: not all of these suggestions are easy to swallow. This is where some of the pain came in for me, because I saw myself reflected in some of the behaviors Lahey suggests parents need to break. Giving her suggestions a try isn't going to be easy from a parenting standpoint, and it will require me to retrain myself as well.
I also think there's a lot of value in how this book offers some very good insight into the educational system, which I think is a big benefit to parents who don't come from a teaching background. Lahey proposes that parents and teachers work as partners, and she offers suggestions for how parents can open up dialog with their kids' teachers. Considering how adversarial our current culture and politics paint the relationship between educators and parents, there is a great deal of value in this aspect of the book. It doesn't serve anyone for parents and teachers to be at one another's throats, not when both sides want the same thing. This book offers constructive ways parents can form that partnership with teachers, so that everyone can work together toward the same goal.
I highly recommend this book to both parents and educators.
- Reviewed in the United States on September 9, 2015Format: HardcoverVerified PurchaseJessica Lahey and I have never met in person, though we have been online writerly acquaintances for about five years. She has read my writings and commented on them (as has, in one case, her son, Finn), and I am professionally acquainted with her sister, Anna Jones. All this to let you know that while this comment is as unbiased as possible, there is a connection between us.
THE GIFT OF FAILURE is an important book, useful and lucid. Jessica has researched many resources -- the book's bibliography is six pages of small type, listing 154 sources -- and has distilled their findings, conclusions, suggestions, prescriptions, proscriptions, warnings, and encouragements into a tight, well-structured, and eminently readable guide for the possibly perplexed American parent. If you have school-aged children, please allow me to urge you to read this book and keep it handy.
The one caveat I will raise is that Jessica is writing from a certain solidly middle-class perspective, in the older definition of the middle class as a well-educated, professionally successful, and financially privileged population. Some readers may find her casual references to such luxuries as private schools, Latin classes, and schedules jam-packed with soccer games, dance lessons, and music tutorials, to be distancing. Don't let those frills distract you. They are minimal and immaterial. This book is filled in generous measure, packed down and flowing over, with insights and advice of value to any parent of school-aged children, from any segment of society. I can only wish that THE GIFT OF FAILURE had been available when I was raising my own son and trying to figure out how best to do it.
(NB -- Amazon tells me that if I give this book four stars, that means "I like it," while if I give it five, that means "I love it." Well, I don't "love" it, but I more than "like" it; since I can't give it four-and-a-half stars, or 4.9, or some such, I am giving it five. It is an important book.)
- Reviewed in the United States on September 22, 2020Format: PaperbackVerified PurchaseGrowing up, I never handled failure very well. This was most evident on the baseball field. Baseball success is built on failure. The best players ever fail 70% of the time. Whenever I struck out or hit a weak ground out, I was furious. I didn’t understand how all my preparation and hard work could result in failure.
It was not until my senior year of high school when I started to manage my understanding of failure and success properly. I am far from perfect but I am a lot more developed than I was back in high school.
Today, I am a father and unfortunately, I see anger issues manifesting in my oldest child. One moment she is gleefully coloring a beautiful drawing with a rainbow of crayons then suddenly I hear a loud wail and she is angrily crumbling up the paper and chucking it across the room.
So it apparently runs in the famil…but how do I break this pattern?
Reading The Gift of Failure is definitely a good step.
Small failures have a huge impact, and these impacts are good. I already catch myself overparenting constantly, but what am I really trying to do? Prevent a scuffed knee or a broken toy? That’s it? Is that worth it?
We all know that we learn best from failures. We don’t need to fail at everything to learn, but failure can point us in the right direction.
As my kids grow up, failure will become harder to parent, but failing to be a good parent is just not an option for me.
This book is filled with what feels like just common sense, but when you are in the midst of parenting, sometimes nothing makes sense, so a resource like this book is great.
Top reviews from other countries
- ravinReviewed in India on October 17, 2015
5.0 out of 5 stars dont miss this wonderful parenting book
Format: HardcoverVerified Purchasea must have for parents.. really a good read
- HG TateReviewed in the United Kingdom on December 20, 2017
5.0 out of 5 stars Great eye-opener!
Hugely helpful book. It has been a real eye-opener for my approach to supporting my son's learning and life-skill development. The basic principle is not new, and many of today's adults were brought up with these principles. However, education and views on child rearing have changed (not necessarily for the better!) over the years, and the main concept of supporting our children to become intrinsically motivated, independent and self-reliant has to be re-introduced to this generation of overprotective and overinvolved parents (of which I have become one of). The book is a very easy read, with clear examples and ideas for parents/teachers to use.
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maderoReviewed in Germany on May 13, 2025
5.0 out of 5 stars knn man empfehlen
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchasehabs mehrmals empfohlen. sinnvolles buch
- Amazon CustomerReviewed in Canada on August 5, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Good book
Format: PaperbackVerified PurchaseHelpful
- John VinerReviewed in the United Kingdom on January 31, 2016
5.0 out of 5 stars Highly recommended
As a professional educator I sometimes find that books for parents contain a lot of sense for those involved in education generally. In this case, Jess Lahey's excellent book does just that. I refer to it all the time and have recommended it to countless parents and teachers.